The Sub Has The Power

“I’m getting tired of having to tell you to dominate me”, Adoring Slave said last month after a long stale mate, whereby I didn’t pull any FLR stuff and he didn’t ask for it.

But I need him to tell me. Bossing around my own husband violates every kind of social conditioning I have experienced throughout my life. I have been scolded for being bossy, needy, or selfish. I have had giving, pliable female characters modelled for me on television and in movies.

It’s not that I can’t be selfish. It’s that I need to be urged to do it, or I am going to keep falling back on old habits.

The only thing that gives me the ability to dominate is not even his permission – it’s his active encouragement.

Sure, a lot of this violates the spirit of female domination, and I am sure that one day I will be forcing him to submit without any encouragement. But that day is not yet here, and it never will be unless I am handed the reigns again, and again, and again, until I finally feel like I have the right to behave this way.

 

Can You Have A Disabled Slave?

I really can’t figure out a way to work around Adoring Slave’s health. On days when he is feeling okay, he is happy to serve me. But much of the time, lately, he just can’t. So what am I supposed to do, then? I can’t punish someone for being ill, surely? So I mostly accept that he does as much as he can and I let the rest slide.

…Which doesn’t feel very much like an FLR, honestly.

I’m supposed to be setting rules and making him follow them, and rewarding and punishing, but I never know where to draw those lines. We’ve talked about assuming that is is able to do everything unless he specifically calls a time-out for health reasons. But then when do I end the time-out? Do I just wait on him to say, “okay, I’m ready”?

I can tell that he is getting a little tired of him saying “okay, go” or “okay, stop” because after all, it puts him in charge and not me, which defies the whole point. On the other hand, it’s hard enough for me to assert myself at all, let alone walk around threatening to punish someone who is obviously unwell.

Suggestions, anyone?

I’m A Queen, Not An Orifice

Adoring Slave and I had some great sex the other day and I wanted more. Unfortunately, a fussy, frequently-awaking baby doesn’t make for a great love life, so the opportunity to interact when we were not exhausted had still not presented itself.

And then one night we made the mistake of looking at the On Demand options in our cable package.

It started out as fun.

We noticed the Adult section and decided to check it out. We had a good laugh over the XXX Parodies (Game of Bones, Down On Her Abby, etc) and I boggled over the prices – the adult films, as ridiculous as they looked, cost twice as much as the Oscar winning movie options.

We scrolled through more and more selections, expressing amusement at the fact that the cable company’s idea of “fetish” seemed to simply mean women with big bushes or who were overweight/older, and so on.

But the language was starting to get to me.

“What is with the male obsession with holes?” I asked Adoring Slave after yet another description along the lines of “watch giant cock destroy nasty slut holes”. The word “holes” came up with a frequency which struck me as bizarre. I have never heard the men I was with use the word “holes” in a sexy context. In fact, to me the word “hole” seems distinctly UN sexy.

But in the porn world, apparently holes are where it is at. Women simply seemed to function as hole-providers, and I began to wonder why they didn’t just use doughnuts or drywall instead. In fact, the porn descriptions seemed quite annoyed at the women – they were dirty, nasty sluts whose holes needed to be “slammed” or “destroyed”.

Why was everyone so angry at these women’s orifices?

Maybe because they were so messy. The holes were frequently described as being dripping or oozing or squirting or full cream pie.

All of this made the women sound less like women and more like some kind of kitchen accident.

I tried to imagine finding any of this remotely sexy and failed utterly.

“Men are strange creatures,” I mused.

“What about women?” said Adoring Slave. “Look at this one – giant Thunder-rod slams pink pussy holes. Are thunder rods a turn on?”

“That description is for the men, too,” I said. “Men seem to love imagining their penises as various weapons.”

“Porn is for women, too,” he said.

“While I am sure that there are many women out there who enjoy porn, they are NOT the target audience here,” I said. I’m sure there ARE many women out there who enjoy porn for its own sake. I haven’t met one, though. The women I know who have watched and enjoyed porn did it only with their partner, as a sort of mutual-erotica thing.

Adoring Slave looked like he disagreed but didn’t dare voice it, and kept flipping through titles. All of the women in the films, whether they were MILFs, or GILFs, or BBWs or Barely Legals or Step Daughters (I was surprised by the frequency of step-relative sex. I really don’t get that at all. Why is it sexier if they are related by marriage?) were never anything but slutty orifices.

“I’m getting less and less turned on with every description,” I said.

By the time we turned it off, I felt like I never wanted to have sex again. I don’t want to be seen like that or thought of like that. I know – or at least I hope – that adoring slave sees me as more than a messy concavity, but I can’t help but feel like I want to be as far removed from that as possible.

I think my psyche was better off before I had that little insight into the masculine mind.

Turn Ons Are For Everybody

A lot of kinky people are ashamed of their fetishes. They keep them under their hat for years, afraid to tell even their own partners about what really turns them on. So, when the conversation finally arises, and they get the opportunity to talk about their kinks, it is easy to let this overtake the relationship.

Suddenly the conversation is all about what the kinky person wants, and how the vanilla person can give it to them. The internet is full of kink lists, where people can go over all of the different kinks and say what they want, what they don’t want, and what they absolutely will not do.

You SHOULD go over lists like that together, take kink quizzes like this one to see what is and is not possible to do together. It is a vital conversation. Too many kinky people have their desires dismissed as weird or gross by a vanilla partner who feels that his/her own desires are more “normal”.

It isn’t okay for a vanilla person to dismiss a kinky partner’s desires just because they seem strange or incomprehensible to you. If you care about your partner, you need to take their feelings into consideration, even if you aren’t comfortable with them or can’t understand them. Find out what they want, and see what you can do to meet them half way, at least. Take that same quiz above yourself, so your spouse can see what areas you are least averse to.

But sometimes the vanilla person’s feelings get left in the dust. The kinky person is so focused on getting what they want that they forget that the vanilla person has needs of his or her own. Dan Savage sometimes has to chide fetishists for forgetting to consider their vanilla partner’s feelings.

We have needs and turn-ons, too. They may not be kinky, they may seem boring or square, but that doesn’t make them less important or valid. The strength of a person’s needs or desires is not related to how mainstream they are perceived to be.

A partner’s need for affectionate caresses and romantic dates can be just as strong as someone’s need for good spanking now and then.

I would like to stop seeing a divide between BDSM/Kink and the Vanilla mindset, because I think it sets us against each other. I would like to see turn-on quizzes that include romantic gifts and strap ons, full body massages and cuckolding, because I think they are all equally valid.

One of the things I love about setting up a Female Led Relationship is that it gives me the opportunity to specify exactly what I want. My desire for romantic touching, pampering, clean dishes, and declarations of adoration gets full attention. I even get to write it out in a contract, as part of daily expectations of my Adoring Slave.

And his needs and desires also get a lot of attention. We have spent hours going through possible rewards, punishments, and that nebulous category of “funishments”.

It’s funny, but setting up an ostensibly kinky relationship has actually made me feel more equal as a Vanilla. I am actually going to get more of the vanilla stuff I need by entering into a relationship that is inherently BDSM in quality.

Because in this marriage, desires are equal and will be attended to.

My Demands Make His Life Better?

My first, hesitant steps into being the “Queen” in our relationship probably look pretty pathetic to a lot of women, but for me they were huge. It sounds stupid but I have always really hated demanding what I really want.

I might ask for what I want in a diffident sort of manner and then just leave it at that, and that’s only if I really wanted it really badly.

Basically, this is how I dealt with my wants before we started the FLR:

Want something a tiny bit: Not worth bothering someone about it.

Want something a fair amount: Might mention it in passing and if no one takes me up on it, well, then it probably isn’t worth their time.

Desperately want something: “Hey, uh, would you mind please doing X for me? If you don’t mind?”

If my tentative request was rejected for any reason, I would leave it at that. “Okay, no big deal”, even though the fact that I asked at all meant that it was a big deal for ME. But I didn’t want to be a nag or a bother so that would be that.

So in our first couple of weeks, my biggest task was to simply state what I wanted. His job was to make it happen.

With much deliberate effort on my part, I started requesting anything I wanted, even a little. If I desperately wanted something, I would try to state it as a command, although most of the time I would compulsively add “please” to the end of the order. “Get me a drink. Uh. Please.”

I felt guilty about this… until one day.

I was complaining to Adoring Slave  about how tired I was, because the baby hadn’t slept well the night before. Since the baby is hooked on nursing to sleep, there’s nothing he can do on nights when the baby is restless, and I thought this had always been clearly understood. But when I was done complaining, he said:

“You know, I feel really able to just sit and listen to you sympathetically now. A month ago, 80% of my brain power would have been dedicated to trying to figure out if you wanted something from me. I’d be sitting there wondering  – Is she saying that she wishes I had helped her more? Is she implying that this is partially my fault? Is there something she wants me to do today to make up for it? – But now I know that if you want me to do something, you’ll tell me. If you don’t tell me to do something or change something, then I don’t have to worry about it. So now I can just sit and sympathize and not worry than there’s something I’m doing wrong.”

I hadn’t fully realized how much of a burden I put on him by simply trying not to be a bother.

I was so busy trying not to be demanding, trying to make his life easier by minimizing my own desires, that I didn’t realize how important it was to him that I be happy. So he was simply working overtime trying to figure out what I wanted.

But now that I am officially the boss, my position comes with a certain responsibility: If I want something, I need to state that clearly. This actually relieves him of a burden – if I don’t ask him for something, he doesn’t have to worry that maybe he should be doing it anyway. It has taken away a layer of guilt and worry that I never fully understood even existed.

My next step will be learning how to reprimand and even punish him, and I can see now how that will also reduce his emotional burden, because if he messes up he doesn’t need to self-recriminate or feel guilty. I will assign a consequence, he will suffer it, and then all will be forgiven and he can move forward with a blank slate.

…But I think that’s still going to be a hard lesson for me to learn.

Book Recommendation: How To Set Up An FLR

So, when Adoring Slave and I decided to start a Female Led Relationship, he went a little overboard and ordered a TON of books on the subject from Amazon.

Of all of them, only one was really helpful, so I thought I’d share it with you.

It’s called “How To Set Up An FLR” and it is fantastic.

I mean, it is clearly self published, and the grammar errors on the cover page alone are enough to make an English major scream, but the content is worth it.

The tone of the book is respectful toward all parties involved. She advises Safe, Sane and Consensual techniques, and she has some great quizzes that will lead to hours of interesting conversations. You can tell that she is coming at it with the intention to make both partners happy, and not simply to indulge a fetish (although she also gives great detail on how to do that, too).

It’s great. Check it out.

flr book cover